Kami Tales
by dizzysunfish
Summary: A collection of fairy tales butchered to fit RK characters in. Lol, this was hard to write!
1. Kenshin and the Bamboo Shoot

Kenshin And The Bamboo Shoot 

Long ago, in a small dojo, there lived a poor sword mistress and her husband. The sword mistress was to host a party for all her friends soon and, as she was preparing to go grocery shopping, her husband approached her with a bewildered expression on his face.

"Kaoru-dono," he said. "Are you going shopping?"

"Of course, Kenshin," the sword mistress replied, slightly confused by her husband's inquisitive behavior. "I need to buy the food for our party."

"Um… anata… we… we don't have any money."

"What?!"

"You spent the last bit on that new kimono." Kenshin braced himself for a massive blow, but to his surprise, Kaoru was quite calm.

"Well, there's only one choice then. We'll have to sell Yahiko. Kenshin, take him into town and find a buyer."

"Kaoru-dono!!!" Kenshin scolded. "He's your only apprentice! Plus, what will the neighbors say…"

"I still have Yutarou, don't I?" Kaoru said, still calm. "And I doubt the neighbors will even care. They really don't like him you know…"

"But I don't want to sell Yahiko—"

"Too bad. Do it."

"Hai, anata."

Later that day in downtown Tokyo

"Spiky-haired boy for sale!" Kenshin shouted. "Spiky-haired boy for sale!"

"Kenshin," Yahiko whined. "Why couldn't you have shown some backbone?!"

"Yahiko, I—Konbanwa, sir!"

"Konbanwa," said the man.

"Would you like to buy this spiky-haired boy? He fusses a lot, but, once you get him to work, he does a very good job."

"Hmm. He does look like he's in good shape… I'll make you a deal. You give me the boy and I'll give you five magic bamboo seeds!"

"Uh… Okay," agreed Kenshin.

"Come, boy," said the man.

"Kenshin! NOOOO!!!"

Back at the dojo

"What're these, Kenshin?" asked Kaoru.

"Magic bamboo seeds," said Kenshin, grinning. "I got them for Yahiko!"

"Kenshin no baka!!!" Kaoru shouted. "Now our guests will starve."

"But Kaoru, they're magic! We could sell—"

"There's no such thing as magic, ahou!" Kaoru yelled as she tossed the seeds out the window. For Kenshin's foolish blunder, she made him sleep outside.

Kenshin awoke the next morning, the golden light of sunrise shining in his eyes. "I wonder if Kaoru-dono has calmed down," he said to himself. He looked out into the yard, and to his immense surprise, there stood a giant bamboo shoot! It was so tall, it grew all the way to the sky! Kenshin stared up at it in awe. "We could definitely sell this…"

Kenshin climbed the bamboo shoot until he could barely see the dojo below him. He finally reached the top of the bamboo shoot and there, before him, towered a great palace on a cloud. Curious, Kenshin stepped onto the cloud and walked toward the palace. But as soon as he reached the door, the largest (and ugliest) woman he had ever seen stepped out. She looked down at the tiny man, squinting to get a better look. "Please, ma'am, don't hurt me! I'm just a helpless little rurouni!"

"Don't worry yourself," replied the giant woman. "Come in, come in. You must be hungry." She plucked Kenshin off of the floor and carried him into the kitchen. There sat a huge pot of what smelled like miso soup. The woman poured some of the soup into the smallest cup she could find and set it in front of our hero.

Kenshin ate his fill, sneaking suspicious glances at his massive host who sat beside him. She explained that her husband was an Oni and that he despised humans. She said that he was never to leave her guard while he was in their house, for her husband would eat him alive! Then, footsteps as loud as thunder approached the kitchen. "Quick!" the Oni's wife whispered. "Under the tea cups!" Kenshin followed her directions.

"Ugh!" a loud voice boomed.

"Ohayo gozaimasu," the woman said politely. "Would you like some of the miso soup I made for you?"

"Ugh," replied the Oni.

"Alright then." The woman busied herself pouring a cup of soup for her husband. Kenshin heard the Oni inhale deeply.

"Ugh. Smell swordsman. Me eat."

"I believe that's my soup you smell," said the woman, placing the cup in front of him. "You can eat this instead of your so-called swordsman. It will taste much better."

"Ugh." The Oni ate for hours on end until he could eat no more. Then, he demanded that his wife bring him his yen. When the large woman returned, the Oni counted his money (while his wife hustled around the house doing chores) until he became drowsy and fell fast asleep.

It was then that Kenshin decided to creep out from under the tea cup. Upon spying the massive amount of yen in front of the Oni, the rurouni developed a plan. He would grab as much money as he could carry and bolt for the bamboo shoot. "This will surely please Kaoru," he thought as he snuck toward the Oni's yen. When he reached the riches, he filled his arms and ran as fast as he could toward the bamboo.

Kenshin was right—Kaoru certainly was pleased. The money was enough to cover expensive food for the party as well as a new kimono for the sword mistress herself. But the money soon ran out and Kaoru sent Kenshin back up the bamboo shoot for more.

On his way to the bamboo shoot, Kenshin disguised himself so that the Oni's wife would not recognize him. The rurouni mused at how easy the task was. After all, she was so tall she didn't get a really good look at him before.

Once disguised, he climbed the beanstalk and asked the Oni's wife if he could come in for something to drink. The large woman was skeptical at first (The last little man she had let in stole much of her husband's yen), but Kenshin persuaded her that he would take nothing. Confident in the tiny swordsman's honesty, she let him inside for tea.

No sooner had Kenshin finished his drink, the Oni thundered into the room. Once again the rurouni was told to hide under one of the giant tea cups. The Oni sat down, shaking the floor, and demanded his meal.

"Ugh. Me want food!" He roared. His wife scooped rice into a bowl and continued cooking the tempura. The Oni, satisfied with his wife's obedience, relaxed and inhaled deeply to catch the aroma of the food. "Ugh! Smell swordsman again! Me eat!"

"Now now. Not that again," said his wife. "You're just smelling the tempura."

Intensely frustrated, the Oni ate his rice and tempura. Upon finishing he told his wife to go fetch his magic hen. His wife obeyed and went about her chores as she did the first time Kenshin came to the palace. The Oni delighted himself by coaxing the hen into laying a golden egg for him. Amazed, Kenshin listened to his laughter and developed a plan to steal the magical poultry. As soon as the Oni fell asleep, he would creep out from under his tea cup and grab the hen, running as fast as he could towards the bamboo shoot. He heard the first snore of the giant demon and put his plan into action.

When he arrived back at the dojo, Kaoru rushed toward him to see what he had returned with. "A chicken?" Kaoru said. "We can't sell that for much."

"Ah Kaoru-dono," Kenshin replied. "That's where you are wrong. This particular chicken lays golden eggs."

"Well, let's see then!"

Kenshin showed Kaoru the hen's magic and she was positively delighted. They kept the hen in the storage shed and had it lay eggs every day. Soon there was no danger of their money ever running out, but Kenshin still longed for the rush of outwitting the Oni and his wife.

So one day, he snuck up the bamboo shoot to the palace. Careful not to draw attention to himself, he ran into the kitchen and hid behind a basin of water. He waited there until the Oni arrived for his evening meal. Once again, the Oni stated that he smelled Kenshin, and, once again, his wife told him he was being silly. The Oni calmed down, but to the rurouni's surprise, the Oni demanded that his wife bring him a treasure before eating. His wife returned with her husband's magic shamisen and Kenshin watched in awe as it began to play itself and sing along to the melody. This was by far the best treasure the rurouni had ever seen, so he was extra careful to wait until well after the Oni fell asleep to make his move.

Kenshin crept out from behind basin and grabbed the shamisen. He was almost out the door when the shamisen cried, "Help, m'lord!" This woke the Oni, and blinded by rage, he began swinging his fists about trying to crush poor Kenshin. He dashed toward the bamboo shoot, the screaming shamisen in arm, and tried his best to avoid the Oni's fists. He leaped at the bamboo and slid down as fast as he could fall. When he reached the ground, he unsheathed his sword and cut down the shoot in one swipe, the Oni falling to the ground.

And that was the end of the magic bamboo shoot and the Oni! As for Kenshin and Kaoru, they lived happily ever after.

The End


	2. The Mochi Boy

The Mochi Boy 

Once upon a time, there lived a little old man and his two little granddaughters. The little granddaughters were always lonely because they didn't have any friends their own age to play with. But one day, that all changed.

"Ayame, Suzume," the little old man said to his granddaughters. "Kenshin-san is making mochi. Why don't you two go help him."

"Hai, Jiichan!" the little girls replied and they ran off to help make the mochi.

"Little ones!" said Kenshin as the girls entered the room. "Have you come to help me?"

"Uh huh," said Suzume. She plopped herself onto the floor next to Kenshin and watched curiously. Ayame followed suit.

Eventually, the little girls became bored and Kenshin took notice. "Little ones," he said. "We already have enough mochi. Why don't you two make little shapes out of what's left." The girl's faces lit up at this suggestion.

"Suzume, let's make a little mochi boy to play with!" Ayame said.

"Yay!" cheered her younger sister.

The girls worked perfecting the shape of the mochi boy for what seemed like hours, sculpting every aspect of the face and body. Finally, Kenshin demanded they bake him. Ayame and Suzume glowed with pride as they watched him cook. He had spiky hair and wore funny little hakama. "Let's name him Yahiko," Suzume said.

"Okay!" Ayame agreed.

At last the mochi boy was done! But when Kenshin took him out of the oven, he leapt out of his hands! Laughing, the little boy shot out the door with Ayame and Suzume chasing after. The girls ran as fast as they could, but the mochi boy just ran faster.

Still laughing, he called over his shoulder,

"Run, run, as fast as you can!  
You can't catch me,

I'm the mochi man!"

"Mochi BOY," shouted the girls. "Boy, not man!"

"Shaddup!" yelled the mochi boy. "I am too a man…" And with that, he ran out of sight.

The mochi boy then ran into a rooster. The rooster said to him, "Hey, wait! I haven't eaten in hours. Won't you let me eat you?"

The mochi boy shouted, "No way! I ran from two little girls and now I'll run away from you." He ran faster and faster laughing and shouting,

"Run, run, as fast as you can!

You can't catch me,

I'm the mochi man!"

"You look more like a mochi boy to me," called the rooster.

"Man!" cried the mochi boy. "I'm a man!" And with that, he ran out of sight.

The mochi boy ran on until he met a weasel. "Wow! You look good enough to eat," said the weasel.

The mochi boy shouted, "Yeah, like I'd let a weasel like _you_ eat _me_. I ran from two little girls and a rooster and now I'll run from you!" He looked over his shoulder as he ran laughing and shouting,

"Run, run, as fast as you can!

You can't catch me,

I'm the mochi man!"

"You're not a man!" yelled the weasel. "Your just a little bratty boy."

"I'm a man, I tell you! A MAN!!!" And with that, the mochi boy ran out of sight.

The mochi boy ran and ran until he met a raccoon. "Whoa there," said the raccoon. "Why don't you come with me and we can have a… _snack_."

"No!" screamed the mochi boy. "I ran away from two little girls, a rooster and a weasel and now I'll run away from you!" As the raccoon chased him, the mochi boy called over his shoulder,

"Run, run, as fast as you can!

You can't catch me,

I'm the mochi man!"

"You're a boy!" shouted the raccoon. "A snot-nosed little boy!"

"I'M A MAN!!!" And with that, the mochi boy ran out of sight.

Next the mochi boy ran into a fox. This fox also wanted to eat the mochi boy, but she knew that he would never let her. So she said, "I'll just run along with you, wherever you plan on going."

But again the mochi boy ran faster and faster. He called, "I've run away from two little girls, a rooster, a weasel and a raccoon and now I'll run away from you!" The fox was gaining on him, so the mochi boy ran as fast as his little legs could carry him. He shouted,

"Run, run, as fast as you can!

You can't catch me,

I'm the mochi man!"

"You're quite a little man," said the fox.

"But I'm still a man!" cried the mochi boy. He continued running until he reached a river. He knew that he could never swim across, for the current was much too strong and the river was much too wide for a little mochi boy, but he wanted to keep running from the two little girls, the rooster, the weasel and the raccoon.

The fox said, "Just jump on my tail, and I'll take you across the river so you don't get eaten." He nodded and jumped on just as the two little girls, the rooster, the weasel and the raccoon all reached the riverbank.

Once they were in the water, the fox said, "You'd better move to my back, or you might fall off in this deep water." So the mochi boy did so.

A little farther on, the fox said, "You might get wet so you better come sit on my shoulder." So the mochi boy did so.

When they were almost to the other side of the river, the fox said to the mochi boy, "This is the deepest water yet! You had better climb onto my head." So the mochi boy did so.

Finally, the fox said, "We're almost there. Why don't you crawl onto my nose so you can jump off right when we get to the shore." So the mochi boy did so.

When they reached the other side of the river, the mochi boy prepared to jump off the fox's nose, but then… SNAP!!! The fox ate the mochi boy in one bite! And that was the end of the mochi boy.


End file.
